Reasonable Resolutions

A few years ago I penned this list of my New Year's Resolutions. We cats are somewhat better than humans at keeping the promises we make, but I'm still having trouble with #3 (why doesn't she give me treats every time she enters the kitchen? Is there anything more important to do in there than that? I think not.)

1. I will not catch lizards. If I do, I will not eviserate them on my human's bed pillow.

2. I will not cough up hair balls on my human's prized 1940 Dresden fan quilt.

3. When my human enters the kitchen, it is not always to get me Pounce treats. I will be understanding about this.

4. I will kiss my human before I wash my butt.

5. I will not grab my brother in a stranglehold and pretend to tear out his throat in front of my human's guests.

6. When I have gas, I will be polite and go fart in the other room.

7. I will not lie in the litter box pretending I am Simba Master of All He Surveys while my brothers are waiting to use it.

8. The flat cans with the smiling fish on them are not for me.

9. I will not knock over and rearrange the large stacks of paper my human produces to make a bed for myself.

10. I will not sit and stare at my human when she sits in the bathtub, no matter how wierd I think she looks with those tea bags and that mayonnaise on her face.

11. I will stop plotting to get rid of the short humans.

12. I will stop trying to squeeze between the balcony railings to catch dragonflies. I will remember if I miss it's a three story drop into a canal (thank heavens, we moved. Now I must stop trying to dart outside through the garage, and remember that there are bears, foxes and coyote in the woods on the north side of the property.)

13. Whatever my human drinks in those mugs is too hot and not for me.

14. I will not glare, hiss, or growl at the guests who smell like dog. I will understand some humans are simply not worthy of feline ownership.

and finally --

15. I will not sneak into the closet, climb into the big box and chew off the corners of my human's author copies.